Wednesday, April 1, 2015

U2 Is Coming After You

Thoughts of revenge have been keeping the boys up at night. Photo from U2 Facebook page.

If you were one of those people that flooded social media with weepy complaints about U2’s method of distributing free copies of Songs Of Innocence last year, you should think twice about checking out their upcoming iNNOCENCE + eXPERIENCE tour. Or leave your smartphone at home. According to an anonymous source within the U2 camp, the band used their free album as a sort of high-tech Trojan Horse to implant a secret spying app. It’s still there, even on the smartphones, tablets, and home computers of those who immediately deleted the album—keeping track of Facebook comments, tweets, and blog posts.

“Initially, it was done out of curiosity,” the U2 source explained. “But when the eavesdropping revealed those snide comments, the band began exploring ways to get revenge.” Apparently, that vengeance involves identifying haters at concerts and projecting their images on a Jumbotron as they’re being violently expelled from the venue. Other humiliations are sure to follow. “Hell, Bono crashed his bike while he was daydreaming about various means of payback,” the source continued. “So I guess in retrospect, at least some of the hysteria was merited.”

On the plus side, U2 plans to richly reward those who embraced Songs Of Innocence, which bodes well for Broken Hearted Toy

In other questionable news, the promoters of the very first Teenage Girls In Skimpy Shorts festival, or T-GISS, as it has been referred to on thousands of tweets, insist they’re elated but not surprised that the event sold out in 25 seconds this week. When asked when the music lineup will be announced, T-GISS honcho Les Pilfer snapped, “There ain’t gonna be any music.” Pressed for details, he explained, “Teenage Girls In Skimpy Shorts is exactly what the name implies. It’s a place where these young ladies can gather and have fun. We have all kinds of corporate sponsors lined up, so there’s really no need to have bands playing.” T-GISS takes place on July 25th at Opposite Field in Chicago’s Brigadoon neighborhood.

Several people in Chicago’s Union Station this morning startled other travelers by suddenly belting out a rendition of the Crosby, Stills and Nash hit “Marrakesh Express.” The singers went on to perform “Teach Your Children,” “Just A Song Before I Go,” and the vintage Hollies song “Dear Eloise.” The impromptu concert is believed to be the first instance of a Nash Mob. A bystander who began singing “I Can See Clearly Now” was jeered and told to stop because he had the wrong Nash.

(Please do not believe any of the above nonsense.)    

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