A Christmas Change Of Pace

Now that everyone has watched It's A Wonderful Life at least once over the holiday season, here's a skit I wrote and performed with the Famous In The Future comedy group some years ago.

Clarence Returns

SCENE: A DEPARTMENT STORE AT CHRISTMAS TIME. CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS ON THE SOUND SYSTEM. A MAN AND WOMAN STOP OUTSIDE A FITTING ROOM.

MARY:

I can’t believe how crowded this store is today!

GEORGE:

That’s what we get for shopping on Christmas Eve.

MARY:

Whatever. Can you hold my bag while I try on these pants?

GEORGE:

Sure.

MARY EXITS TO FITTING ROOM. CLARENCE, DRESSED IN A LONG BLACK COAT AND HAT, MYSTERIOUSLY APPEARS.

CLARENCE:

Waiting for someone?

GEORGE:

Yeah. My wife’s trying on a pair of pants.

CLARENCE:

You have no wife.

GEORGE:

How’s that?

CLARENCE:

You got your wish. No wife or family, no job, no missing $8,000. It’s like you

were never born.

GEORGE:

(BACKING AWAY FROM CLARENCE) I’ll just wait over here for my wife.

CLARENCE:

You don’t have a wife!

GEORGE:

If I’m not married, then what’s in this Victoria’s Secret bag?

CLARENCE:

Zuzu’s petals?

GEORGE:

What are you, some kind of nut?

CLARENCE:

No, I’m your guardian angel.

GEORGE:

I think you’ve had too much of some other kind of spirits.

CLARENCE:

Oh, tut tut. I may have had some flaming rum punch, but I know what I’m

doing. So, you still think everyone would be happier if you weren’t around?

MARY EMERGES FROM FITTING ROOM.

MARY:

They fit perfectly.

GEORGE:

Great! Then let’s get out of here! (TAKES HOLD OF HER ARM.)

CLARENCE:

She doesn’t recognize you George! She’s an old maid!

MARY:

Who are you calling an old maid?!

GEORGE:

(TO CLARENCE) You’re just screwy, that’s all!

GEORGE AND MARY EXIT. JOSEPH MYSTERIOUSLY APPEARS.

CLARENCE:

Joseph!

JOSEPH:

Clarence, you can’t keep coming down to earth like this every Christmas Eve!

CLARENCE:

But, I’ve got to help George Bailey!

JOSEPH:

George Bailey’s been in heaven for 40 years!

CLARENCE:

Then I got my wings?

JOSEPH:

Yeah, and an advancing case of senility.

ANOTHER WOMAN EMERGES FROM THE FITTING ROOM AND EYES THEM SUSPICIOUSLY. CLARENCE LOOKS BAFFLED FOR A MOMENT, THEN SMILES.

CLARENCE:

You must be Vi, the town slut.

WOMAN:

Slut?! (ANGRILY WALKS TOWARD CLARENCE)

CLARENCE:

(TERRIFIED) Oh, Joseph!

JOSEPH AND CLARENCE DISAPPEAR.)

BLACKOUT