In a perfect world, Chloe Dykstra, correspondent for the sci-fi/humor website The Nerdist and unofficial Queen Of Cosplay, would play Axena in this skit, and it would go viral on YouTube.
Photo from Chloe Dykstra’s Facebook page.
In previous years, I’ve done April Fools Day posts here on BHT by trying to mimic The Onion with a fake news story or entertainment review. This year, I’m going with a skit I wrote back when I was in the Famous In The Future comedy group. And by fantasizing about Ms. Dykstra making this an Internet sensation, I don’t mean to take anything away from FIF members Desiree Burcum and Karen Yashon, who played the roles of Axena and Bezalel respectively, to perfection.
SCENE: A DRIVING SCHOOL. A FEMALE WARRIOR, BEZALEL, IS BRANDISHING A SWORD. CHUCK ENTERS.
CHUCK
Excuse me.
BEZALEL LUNGES AT HIM WITH SWORD.
CHUCK
Whoa! I came here for my lesson.
BEZALEL
Prove it! (THREATENS HIM WITH SWORD.)
CHUCK
I spoke to a young woman named Bezalel on the phone, and she said I had a 2:30 appointment.
BEZALEL
I am Bezalel. Are you the one called Chuck Johnson?
CHUCK
Yes.
BEZALEL
(EXTENDING HER HAND.) Welcome to Amazon Driving School. We can’t be too careful.
CHUCK
I see.
BEZALEL
Your instructor is Axena The Bonesplitter. I will summon her. (CALL OUT) Lai lai lai lai
(AXENA QUICKLY ENTERS, JOINS IN THE CALL.)
AXENA & BEZALEL
KellyJillSabrina!
AXENA
You called, my sister?
BEZALEL
This neophyte seeks driving guidance.
AXENA
Is he prepared to give us all we ask in return?
(THEY LOOK AT CHUCK)
CHUCK
Do you take Discover?
(AXENA AND BEZALEL NOD IN AGREEMENT)
AXENA
Then I will make him a fierce and noble road warrior.
BEZALEL
Good luck!
AXENA
Come tadpole, join me behind the wheel.
CHUCK
Wow! What a cool convertible!
AXENA
The air is foul with the stench of our enemies.
CHUCK
We have enemies?
AXENA
You have much to learn. But know this above all else: In order to survive, you must drive with a vengeance.
CHUCK
Right!
AXENA
Now, harness the power! (NOTICES THAT CHUCK LOOKS UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO.) Turn the ignition.
CHUCK
Oh.
(STARTS UP CAR. THEY BEGIN TO DRIVE)
CHUCK
Do you mind if we listen to Light FM? It helps me relax.
AXENA
Light FM is for the weak! I prefer to download L7 songs to my iPod. (TURNS IT ON. “SHITLIST” BY L7 STARTS TO PLAY.)
CHUCK STEPS ON BRAKE.
AXENA
What are you doing?
CHUCK
I had to let that gentleman cut in front of me or we might have had a collision.
AXENA
Give way to no one! You are the master of the road!
CHUCK
I’ll try to remember that. Is it okay to stop at the light?
AXENA
Of course. It is written in the book of laws.
(THE SOUND OF A BIG MOTOR RUNNING.)
CHUCK
Looks like there’s a big SUV pulling up next to us.
DRIVER
Hey blondie, how’d you like to take a dip in my hot tub?
AXENA
How about if I sever your jugular instead?
DRIVER
Uh, never mind.
AXENA
(TO CHUCK) Pursue him!
(THEY DRIVE OFF IN PURSUIT.)
AXENA
Faster, tadpole! You drive like an ancient one!
CHUCK
I’m not used to these high speed chases!
(THEY COME TO AN ABRUPT STOP.)
AXENA
Athena be praised! He’s stuck in traffic! I will continue the chase on foot.
(AXENA JUMPS OUT OF CAR.)
CHUCK
(WATCHING AS SHE RUNS OFF.) Wow! She’s leaping over those cars like a gazelle!
(THE SOUNDS OF A STRUGGLE, AND THEN A MAN’S SCREAM. AXENA RETURNS A MOMENT LATER, HOLDING A SEVERED HEAD. SHE PULLS A CAP OFF THE HEAD AND THROWS THE HEAD ASIDE.)
AXENA
I will wear his backwards hat on my belt as a souvenir. (NOTICES THAT CHUCK IS IN SHOCK. SHE TURNS HIS FACE TOWARD HER WITH HER HAND.) Those who do not combat disrespect are destined to be ruled by it.
ANOTHER DRIVER
Hey four-eyes! Move that piece of crap!
(AXENA LOOKS KNOWINGLY AT CHUCK, AND THEN HANDS HIM HER SWORD.)
CHUCK
Vengeance is ours! (GETS OUT OF CAR AND RUNS TOWARD DRIVER.)
BLACKOUT
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