Monday, December 26, 2011

A Christmas Change Of Pace

Now that everyone has watched It's A Wonderful Life at least once over the holiday season, here's a skit I wrote and performed with the Famous In The Future comedy group some years ago.

Clarence Returns

SCENE: A DEPARTMENT STORE AT CHRISTMAS TIME. CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS ON THE SOUND SYSTEM. A MAN AND WOMAN STOP OUTSIDE A FITTING ROOM.
MARY:
I can’t believe how crowded this store is today!
GEORGE:
That’s what we get for shopping on Christmas Eve.
MARY:
Whatever. Can you hold my bag while I try on these pants?
GEORGE:
Sure.
MARY EXITS TO FITTING ROOM. CLARENCE, DRESSED IN A LONG BLACK COAT AND HAT, MYSTERIOUSLY APPEARS.
CLARENCE:
Waiting for someone?
GEORGE:
Yeah. My wife’s trying on a pair of pants.
CLARENCE:
You have no wife.
GEORGE:
How’s that?
CLARENCE:
You got your wish. No wife or family, no job, no missing $8,000. It’s like you
were never born.
GEORGE:
(BACKING AWAY FROM CLARENCE) I’ll just wait over here for my wife.
CLARENCE:
You don’t have a wife!
GEORGE:
If I’m not married, then what’s in this Victoria’s Secret bag?
CLARENCE:
Zuzu’s petals?
GEORGE:
What are you, some kind of nut?
CLARENCE:
No, I’m your guardian angel.
GEORGE:
I think you’ve had too much of some other kind of spirits.
CLARENCE:
Oh, tut tut. I may have had some flaming rum punch, but I know what I’m
doing. So, you still think everyone would be happier if you weren’t around?
MARY EMERGES FROM FITTING ROOM.
MARY:
They fit perfectly.
GEORGE:
Great! Then let’s get out of here! (TAKES HOLD OF HER ARM.)
CLARENCE:
She doesn’t recognize you George! She’s an old maid!
MARY:
Who are you calling an old maid?!
GEORGE:
(TO CLARENCE) You’re just screwy, that’s all!
GEORGE AND MARY EXIT. JOSEPH MYSTERIOUSLY APPEARS.
CLARENCE:
Joseph!
JOSEPH:
Clarence, you can’t keep coming down to earth like this every Christmas Eve!
CLARENCE:
But, I’ve got to help George Bailey!
JOSEPH:
George Bailey’s been in heaven for 40 years!
CLARENCE:
Then I got my wings?
JOSEPH:
Yeah, and an advancing case of senility.
ANOTHER WOMAN EMERGES FROM THE FITTING ROOM AND EYES THEM SUSPICIOUSLY. CLARENCE LOOKS BAFFLED FOR A MOMENT, THEN SMILES.
CLARENCE:
You must be Vi, the town slut.
WOMAN:
Slut?! (ANGRILY WALKS TOWARD CLARENCE)
CLARENCE:
(TERRIFIED) Oh, Joseph!
JOSEPH AND CLARENCE DISAPPEAR.)
BLACKOUT

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